"Them"

You know who "those people" are. They are the ones who are at fault. They are the ones who should think, be, or do differently, but they don’t. They are the troublemakers, the slackers, the enemy, the ones who did wrong. "Them" could be another department in your organization. "Them" could be your sister and her husband. "Them" could be your parents or your kids, or your neighbors. "Them" could be a different ethnic group or religious denomination. "Them" is the government, the media, management, employees, or any group of people.

You are wary of them. You don’t really trust them. You are not sure of their motives. Whatever they did to you, or whatever they didn’t do, well, they might do it again. "Them" are the people you blame for something that hurt, or didn’t get done, or cost you money, or that frustrated you. Perhaps you tried to talk to them, to set them straight, or to offer them good advice. It didn’t work. You were left wondering. "What is the matter with them (or him or her)?"

Now you feel uncomfortable. You avoid communication. When you are near "them", you tense up, poised in case you need to attack or defend or just get out of there. You may have said some unkind things about "them". You may have made some sarcastic remarks. Certainly you complained about "them". But it is all justified. You have given yourself license to speak unkindly or behave unkindly, or act in other ways that violate your values, because "them" doesn’t really deserve your kindness or consideration, or your love. "Them" is the object of your blame.

We can not influence people in any positive or meaningful way if we disconnect ourselves from them. When we start seeing another as "them", we turn people into objects. Our focus is on our own needs and concerns, often to the exclusion of the other’s needs and concerns. We tell ourselves a story about how virtuous and good we are, and how undeserving and bad they are. It’s just a story. It’s a way of not really looking at ourselves and acknowledging the part we play. The only way out is to stop seeing others as "them", as objects. They are people who have needs and concerns and dreams that are just as important to them as yours are to you.

It takes courage to move beyond blaming. It seems costly to release our blame and our negative emotion. It was never wrong to blame or to feel angry. However, holding on to these thoughts and feelings is a real problem. It hurts you. It often hurts others, including those not even involved in your conflict. It costs you your freedom, your sense of ease, and sometimes relationships that you really care about. Keeping yourself in the victim mode, the victim of "them", is a punishment you inflict upon yourself. Holding on to blaming and anger is much more costly than letting it go.

In blaming we focus on what has been done to us. In self reflection we look at what possible impact we are having on others. In other words, who are you being around these other people and how are they affected by your words, your facial expressions, your body language, your tone of voice, and your actions? The great fear of self reflection is that we may find out that we were wrong. Indeed, you are probably "them" in the minds of certain others. Think about the person you want to be and be that person. Are you kind? Then be kind. Are you a compassionate person? Then be compassionate. Are you responsible? Then respond. Are you a leader? Then lead. Do your best. If the other people do not respond in kind, accept that they aren't ready. Don’t change who you are because of what someone else does.

You are most powerful when you are yourself. In order to remain yourself it is important not to hold on to blaming and negative emotion. Refuse to take the words and actions of others personally. They are acting out of their own unhappiness. Refuse to take yourself too seriously. No one can insult you unless you feel insulted. You need not look for opportunities to be offended. Letting go of negativity is not weakness nor is it "giving in". Letting go is your path to freedom and peace of mind.

Everyone says it takes two to tango. If you let go, you are free of the dance. Do not think yourself better than or more virtuous than the other because you have let go. If you think that, you are merely shifting your attack into a more passive aggressive mode. Often people let go at first, but then feel superior for their accomplishment. Thinking yourself better is just another way of blaming "them". Your goal must be for mutual well being, because you cannot have true well being at another’s expense.

Relationships are challenging. They challenge us to look within and to let go of painful and destructive thoughts and feelings. The truth is, in any organization or family or relationship, there is no "them". There is only "us". If one or a group of us is struggling, it is a call for help.

We can answer the call, or we can get offended. It is a little easier to be strong and effective if we see the other person(s) as one of "us" rather than as one of "them". Excellent leaders live in connected world. Your power and influence to create healthier organizations, families, and relationships comes from your ability to see your connectedness with others. Speak honestly and compassionately from this place of connection (an "us" mentality) and people will hear you.

Transformation Times
April, 2006