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Modest Proposals - Living At The Top

by Julius Schlemmacher

"For every art, there is a pinnacle - a height of perfection which cannot be surpassed. For every experience, there is a summit of achievement. If such distinction is your aim, we proudly invite you to capture living at its finest - living at the top of the world."

So reads the brochure for Tahoma Vista Estates, one of six housing developments that will join a world-class spa and resort, four-star restaurants, first-class hotels, and a convention center in the planned development of Tahoma.

One thing makes the project unique, however: it will be constructed atop Mount Rainier.

Tahoma is the brainchild of local developer Hannibal Doze. "I thought it would be appropriate to name our project with the name the Native Americans originally gave to the mountain," Doze intones. "Plus, the 250-foot glowing
T' we'll have at the top can be seen in all directions."

Backed largely by foreign investment capital, Tahoma is ambitious if nothing else. Besides nearly 1500 housing units, restaurants, and shops, ski facilities including chairlifts and slope grooming machines will be installed. Also, the dome at the peak will be festooned with lighting and amplification equipment to create a natural amphitheater.

However, planning a massive development atop a mountain was no easy task.

Transportation posed an early challenge. Planners realized fairly soon that, because of the quickly changing weather conditions as well as glacier motion of several feet per year, a multi-lane highway would be too difficult and expensive to maintain. Instead, the project will purchase fleets of customized helicopters, and a small helijet airport will be built near the mountain's base to offer on-demand shuttle service to Sea-Tac International Airport.

Power will come from dozens of wind generators taking advantage of the nearly constant winds of twenty to over one hundred miles per hour. Water will be melted from the nearly inexhaustible year-round snowcap. Sewage will be piped down the mountain to a small treatment plant and then dumped into one or more river headwaters. "The sewage part was relatively easy to plan," explains Doze. "Everything flows away from there."

Critics have attacked the plan as unfeasible and irresponsible. Yet, for each problem posed, Doze has a solution at hand waiting to be presented.

For example, what about the issue of guest safety? Wouldn't it be rather inelegant to be walking to dinner and get caught in a blinding 80-mph blizzard, or fall into a crevasse? "Our legal team has chewed this one over," says Doze, "and we decided to let residents live at their own risk. We've got enough regulation to deal with as it is."

What about climbers who still want the challenge of hiking to the top? "We'll leave a path open to the summit. Plus, when climbers register, we'll give them a coupon worth 50˘ off a latté at one of the summit's cafés."

How about the predictions of an imminent volcanic eruption? "Our engineering team assures us that the weight of the thousands of tons of construction materials will exert enough pressure to keep any eruptions plugged off. They are working on an emergency parachute system; however, this is only a worst-case scenario."

What about urban decay? How long before we start seeing graffiti on glaciers? "We're hiring a top-notch security force to handle that. Our citizens will be as safe in Tahoma as anywhere else.

"But what should I care? Once this thing is built, I can retire to someplace warm!"

In case you haven't figured it out by now, this is a piece of satire. None of the names or organizations cited in this piece actually exist... yet.

Julius Schlemmacher is a staff writer for the Green Pages.

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