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Safe From The Elements

by Julius Schlemmacher

People have been saying for many years that Olympia is a hostile environment for developers and businessmen. But Chase D. Merriwether, a local candidate for City Planner, is going one step further: Merriwether claims that the urban environment of Olympia is hostile to humanity itself, and that immediate measures must be taken to make it more hospitable to its citizens.

One of Merriwether's biggest concerns is protecting Olympians from the often unpleasant weather conditions. "Our Northwest climate is one of the least amenable in our nation, and not citizen should be unnecessarily exposed to it," says Merriwether. "Yet in Olympia, there are many places where you have to walk fully exposed to the elements for distances of several dozen feet. I say, if I can't go from house to office to shopping without fear of wetting my wingtips, something's very wrong."

Merriwether's response to this danger is a comprehensive city plan which includes the following components:

• The revision of zoning codes to encourage the development of larger structures. "We need to move more and more things indoors," says Merriwether.
• Tax rebates on high-output heaters and full-spectrum lighting within public buildings and businesses.
• The gradual elimination of sidewalks. "We'll move those indoors, too, and replace them with conveyors like the ones you see at airports. Besides, sidewalks are for moving people - not for sitting on."
• The construction of skybridges and underground tunnels to link major buildings.
• The elmination of native plants from the city environment. "Plastic provides the look and feel of plants without the maintenance or the risk of disease." -} But Merriwether is also interested in protecting Olympians from another form of wildlife: unsupervised teens.

  "Olympia is not a place for unsavory kids to hang around and harrass legitimate people," Merriwether says. His plan is to avoid the problem by removing it entirely.

  "Under my administration, specially trained officers will roam our streets and parks looking for rebellious youth. They'll be shot with anesthetized darts and wake up the next morning on a sidewalk in Tacoma, say, or Vancouver."

  Merriwether makes no attempt to hide his displeasure with previous planning efforts in Olympia. "There's been a lot of boneheaded planning in the past. There are way too many parks, and I don't mean the industrial kind. Where's the revenue in that? It doesn't even bring in tourists! There's the Heritage Park Fountain, which has since turned into a public bath for trailer park kids. I'll really enjoy paving that over. Then there's the Capitol Trail to the lakefront, which lets youths on mountain bikes practice scaring people. Combine that with Concerts in the Park, the Farmer's Market, and wacko activities like Artwalk and the Procession of the Species, and you've got huge opportunities for unsafe, unsupervised mayhem."

  "We need to assure that our citizens can earn and spend money with comfort, ease, and security. That's why people pay city taxes, and that's what I'll deliver."

  Merriwether sums up his arguments poignantly: "Ours is a very dangerous city. I know I've got my work cut out for me. As long as there are bulbed curbs and textured pavements to encourage people to walk outside, as long as bike paths are painted on our streets, as long as trees are pruned and grass mowed at taxpayer expense, I'll be fighting to turn our city into one filled with the elements that are safest for people: concrete, glass, and pavement."

  Julius Schlemmacher is a staff writer for the Green Pages.

  In case you haven't figured it out by now, this is a piece of satire. None of the names or organizations cited in this piece actually exist ... yet.

  
  

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